Tuesday, June 17, 2008

MY INFANT SON IS 100% CERTIFIED ORGANIC

Last month my wife gave birth to world's first certified organic “green” baby. Not in the sense that he's an innocent, natural infant unblemished by sin or moral corruption, but literally his blood is certified organic by the FDA. We have documentation.

How did we do it, and how can you do it? Pretty easy. First, at the time of consumption, my wife and I had been eating only organic food for a little over 8 years. According to the FDA website, you need to be eating organic for a minimum of five years, so we were all set. Also, we consummated on a bed with 100% organic sheets - another requirement (that particular session ended on the floor, which luckily is made from non compressed, untreated organic wood from Guatemala, so it's totally additive free. Yay!) My wife has always used organic tampons and we both wipe with organic toilet paper (we bring rolls to work), and the pot I occasionally smoke is totally organic.

The logic, according to the FDA, goes like this: if everything that’s touched your body (inside and out) for the past five years is certified organic, then your sperm or eggs are organic, and therefore so is your offspring.

The certification process was simple. The easy to use Are You Organic? Self Test Kit from Whole Foods tells you instantly – like a pregnancy test, the color on the paper determines your level of organicness. If you’re in the red, don’t go trying for an organic baby; wait until it’s green.

The “green baby” process, as its called, was ineffably fulfilling, and I urge aspiring parents to pursue it. And yes. I'm seriously considering getting him a tattoo of the organic logo.

1 comment:

Bethie said...

But a womans eggs are present (though unviable) at birth. Your wife's mother would have to be organic for your wife to truely be organic. If your child continues with the organic stuff (based on the up bringing, I assume it will) and has a child with someone who has a similar background, then you will have a truely organic grandbaby!