Tuesday, July 29, 2008

MY DAILY MEDICATION REGIMEN

Due to new state regulations, all bloggers must post their daily medication regimen. The following is mine, as of 7/28/08:

Ambian - for insomnia. 2 and i'm out all night

Modafinil - for waking up. I have it by my bed, so when the alarm goes off they go in.

Biaxin - to increase my appetitive, so i'm hungry for breakfast.

Acetaminophen - to digest my breakfast.

Dexfenfluramine - to decrease my increased appetite so I don't eat too much during the day

Adderol - so I can concentrate at work

Topamax - for migraines, due to concentrating too much

Requip - for Restless Leg Syndrome, which I get frequently during meetings

Valuum - to decrease social anxiety during happy hour after work

Furoxone - to stabilize the toxicity from mixing alcohol with all these drugs

Medical Marijuana - for increased enjoyment of "The Golden Girls"

Ritalin - for increased concentration while reading in bed

CalmThoughts- an herbal remedy for inner peace and calmness


Thursday, July 24, 2008

A NEW APPROACH TO DATING

Still a bachelor on my 43rd birthday, i had an epiphany: when it comes to dating women, I am looking past superficiality and seeking a deeper connection. Emphasizing things like looks, status, job, and style is a trap, and has not served me well. As I embark on my new love journey, these are the three qualities I will look for:

1. Spiritual connection. This is something I heretofore neglected but is now paramount: we must have an ineffable connection that transcends earth, the universe, and whatever comes after the universe. Our spirits must fuse, and for this to happen we must have great sex. Unfortunately, I am unable to have great sex with anyone over 110 lbs, so this woman must max out at this weight. Also, I'm mostly sexually attracted to brunettes of the Brazilian variety, so it would be best if she were one of those. A 110 lbs (or under) Brazilian brunette, so we can have great sex and therefore be spiritually connected, which I hold most important above all else.

2. Selflessness. An altruistic, selfless quality is immensely important as I embark on my new search for a soulmate. Perhaps she works at a homeless shelter once a month, or, better yet, for a non-profit. If she does, I would like it if she were at least above manager level, perhaps even director. It would be great if she were in charge of fund-raising, as she would get lots of perks and a large expense account that would benefit us as a couple. For instance, we could enjoy some free meals and Laker games, all thanks to her high ranking position and compassionate, magnanimous nature.

3. Compassion. My future soulmate must possess a compassionate soul for all living things and an empathetic approach to life. This means she will not only have her perspective, but will understand and feel the others too. She won't step on a spider because she feels compassion for that spider's life - it's not his fault he's a bothersome insect. She will not judge me when I come home at 4 am, stinking of absinthe and perfume - it's not my fault I'm an occasional promiscuous Lothario. The gift of understanding, of seeing from another's eyes, is so rare and beautiful, but I am determined to find it.

One last thing - she should come from a wealthy family, and in the possession of (or, at least in the very near future) a considerable inheritance. This might sound like the pre-epiphany me, a relapse. But rest assured, this prerequisite has an honorable, philanthropic intention: I plan on buying the Yankees.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN AT THIS PARTY, I FEEL THE URGE TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT IT VIA TEXT


I'm having so much fun at this crazy party that I will tell everyone about it, right now, via text message. The drinking, the laughing, the eating - this is something people need to know about, immediately.

I'm not the type of guy to let himself get caught up in the feverish, carnival-like atmosphere of a party so much that he forgets his friends and family who could not attend. At all times I remain detached, thinking to myself, "what would so-and-so think of this party? Would they be having fun?" If the answer is yes, the cell phone is whipped out immediately and a text, along the lines of "@ fun party. :) " would be sent to him.

Also, I might take a bunch of photos and try to find an internet connection, where I will send pictures to people - crazy party pictures sent FROM the crazy party! I am known for doing such crazy things at parties. I do so much texting at parties that people come up to me and ask if I'm having fun. Of course I am, stupid! I'm texting, aren't I ?? If I weren't I would actually engage with the party - ironically, this is a sign of boredom.

The best is when I send such a text to a friend and get a sad reply back, something like - "DAMN! Can I come??" In which case I simply reply, "no".

Friday, July 4, 2008

WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS

Steven Bard
Steven Bard was married to himself on Saturday evening in his room in Staatburg, CA. He was the sixth to take advantage of the new California law allowing individuals to marry themselves. The ceremony, which took place over the internet, was conducted by Rev. Malcom Pritchett.

The groom, who had been single for 33 years, determined that no one better shared his passion for horror movies, mountain biking and x rated Japanese graphic novels than he. Also, marrying himself was a good way to get his mother off his back.

In a written statement on the electronic self-marriage form, the groom said: “Every girl I met was missing something yet I had no idea what that something was, making it impossible to find the perfect girl. This way, I can do no wrong - I’m not settling and not lonely. It’s a win – win.”

The groom is director of sales at Reflections, Inc, a high-end mirror and looking glass company in San Pedro, CA.