Thursday, July 24, 2008


Still a bachelor on my 43rd birthday, i had an epiphany: when it comes to dating women, I am looking past superficiality and seeking a deeper connection. Emphasizing things like looks, status, job, and style is a trap, and has not served me well. As I embark on my new love journey, these are the three qualities I will look for:

1. Spiritual connection. This is something I heretofore neglected but is now paramount: we must have an ineffable connection that transcends earth, the universe, and whatever comes after the universe. Our spirits must fuse, and for this to happen we must have great sex. Unfortunately, I am unable to have great sex with anyone over 110 lbs, so this woman must max out at this weight. Also, I'm mostly sexually attracted to brunettes of the Brazilian variety, so it would be best if she were one of those. A 110 lbs (or under) Brazilian brunette, so we can have great sex and therefore be spiritually connected, which I hold most important above all else.

2. Selflessness. An altruistic, selfless quality is immensely important as I embark on my new search for a soulmate. Perhaps she works at a homeless shelter once a month, or, better yet, for a non-profit. If she does, I would like it if she were at least above manager level, perhaps even director. It would be great if she were in charge of fund-raising, as she would get lots of perks and a large expense account that would benefit us as a couple. For instance, we could enjoy some free meals and Laker games, all thanks to her high ranking position and compassionate, magnanimous nature.

3. Compassion. My future soulmate must possess a compassionate soul for all living things and an empathetic approach to life. This means she will not only have her perspective, but will understand and feel the others too. She won't step on a spider because she feels compassion for that spider's life - it's not his fault he's a bothersome insect. She will not judge me when I come home at 4 am, stinking of absinthe and perfume - it's not my fault I'm an occasional promiscuous Lothario. The gift of understanding, of seeing from another's eyes, is so rare and beautiful, but I am determined to find it.

One last thing - she should come from a wealthy family, and in the possession of (or, at least in the very near future) a considerable inheritance. This might sound like the pre-epiphany me, a relapse. But rest assured, this prerequisite has an honorable, philanthropic intention: I plan on buying the Yankees.

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