Sunday, August 24, 2008

THESE NABISCO ENTERTAINMENT CRACKERS HAVE BEEN ENTERTAINING THEMSELVES FOR A LONG TIME NOW

These Nabisco Entertainment Crackers, which I bought in bulk at Costco for $9.98 last May, have done little or no entertaining thus far. I bought the "collection" as they are called within the cracker "industry", anticipating several (3-5) civilized cocktail parties, or one massive uncivilized cocktail party. In the uncivilized version, which I'd much rather have, the crackers would go way beyond entertainment in the traditional sense, and therefore the entire box would likely be consumed in one wild night. For example, the smelt biscuit cracker, which is quite thin, could be used to cut lines of cocaine.

But much to my dismay, no entertaining, civilized or otherwise, has taken place. Instead these Entertainment Crackers have been entertaining themselves on the third level of my cupboard, along with the fondue maker. The fondue maker was bought three years ago, when fondue parties were all the rage. Now those parties are out of fashion, and there's no way I'd break it out until they come back.

I fear this is what's going to happen to my Entertainment Crackers, although Oprah tells me (or rather her magazine tells me) that crackers are a timeless party treat. Well that's great Oprah, but I fear my crackers will go stale very soon, and moldy soon after that. Can you alter physics? Maybe you can, with all your money, but I cannot. So this is my solution: I'm posting an invitation on Craig's List for a giant, nuclear party to clear out all these Entertainment Crackers, and perhaps the fondue maker. This is going to be epic - come if you are able, and do say hello. I'll be the one in on the couch, eating cracker crumbs off a prostitute's fake tits.

Friday, August 15, 2008

LISTEN LADIES, I'M AN AQUIRED TASTE

Listen, ladies. I'm not the kind of guy you're going to like right away. It might take you months, years, perhaps a lifetime to fall for me. But when you do, it'll be damn intense. So just ride out this initial "beginning" time and let's look forward to the good things to come.

As mentioned, I'm an acquired taste. Take for example my habit of burping my name whenever I say it. If you don't know me this might seem strange; however, after a month or two or three, you will find this hilarious, maybe even sexy. Another behavior trait that might take some getting used to: spontaneous yoga poses. Health in body and mind are extremely important to me, and if I feel the need to do a downward dog or upward cobra during dinner, that's what will happen. In the beginning this will be embarrassing; in a month it will be relaxing.

When you think about it, things you like right away rarely last. Remember Beanie Babies? Everyone fell for them right in the beginning. A month later, they were stuffed in boxes, in countless attics and basements. Or the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine. Once a hot ticket item is now a peripheral offering in just about every garage sale across America.

Ladies, I am not a George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine. I am more like a pair of shoes that hurt like hell in the beginning but feel like a million bucks in a month or two. Or three or four.

Monday, August 11, 2008

IN HINDSIGHT, MY DREAMCATCHER TATTOO PROBABLY WASN'T THE BEST IDEA

I never thought I'd say this, but I don't think the giant dreamcatcher tattoo I got on my back ten years ago was such a great idea. While hindsight is 50/50, it's pretty clear that the dreamcatcher design, so popular in the mid to late 90s, was just a flash-in-the-pan fad - one that i fell for like a total idiot. I hate my dreamcatcher tattoo, I hate Tom for making me get it, and I kind of hate myself too.

It was a Saturday in August, Venice Beach. Tom, my roommate at the time, was going to his guy to sharpen the colors on his roller-blading Tazmanian Devil (located on his left deltoid.) I was bored and nursing a hangover, so I took a walk with him. On the way, he stopped into this little Native American chachki store to buy some peyote, and that's when I saw it - a giant dreamcatcher. I asked the guy behind the counter what it's for, and he didn't have a clue, but another shopper did - you hang it by your bed, and it "catches" bad dreams before they seep into your consciousness. This concept blew me away and I had to have one, but Tom stopped me with this piece of logic: for the amount of money I was about to spend, i could get a dreamcatcher tattoo that would be with me for the rest of my life. It made total sense.

The tattoo took four hours total and cost two-hundred bucks. For awhile there it was pretty awesome, I must say: the dreamcatcher was hot for another three years, and it definitely helped get me laid on at least six occasions. Perhaps it's worth it right there, but now whenever girls see it I feel like a big fat loser. Here i am, some white guy with no connection to Indians whatsoever (although I do love Indian food), with this massive symbol of their culture on my back. My girlfriend says I'm overreacting, but what does she know. She has a tattoo of the Chinese word for "strength", for God's sake.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS

Count Montigue and Countess McDougal

Vampire larpers Count Philippe Montegue and Countess Kristine McDougal were married late Wednesday night at the Randolph memorial graveyard just outside Utica, New York, in a pagan ceremony involving animal sacrifice, fog machines and blood drinking. The bride is daughter of Deborah and Harold McDougal, both orthodontists in Middletown, CT; the groom is son of Ted Montigue, president of Nassau Capital Advisers, a real estate development firm in Princeton.

According to the Circle of Crone, one of the five major Covenants in the World of Darkness, married vampires can never get divorced - thus, the couple will remain together for the rest of eternity. While the couple considers marriage a "moral ritual" that was denounced by Invictus, Ordo Dracul and the Carthians amongst others, they deem it necessary for tax and insurance purposes.

The groom, 29, works at a gaming "gold farm" in Utica, which means he collects virtual money for others in the online game "World of Warcraft". The bride, 26, will continue using her name professionally. She works for Zendik, a radical/revolution oriented magazine handed out after concerts for a modest donation. She writes the monthly column Shio's Thoughts of Music, Creavolution and Magic.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

WRITING WITH BODY PARTS, PART 1

As a famous writer, I am constantly challenged to make something unusual and different. This is difficult, almost impossible - just about everything's been said or done before, usually by someone of superior talent. Yet this piece of writing is completely unique, because I will use different body parts to type on the keyboard. As a reader that's been trained to understand only what fingertips say, you will be challenged to make sense of the ideas my other body parts express. In an unprecedented move, I'm turning the monitor on the reader, making him/her work for the message. In this respect, I am like James Joyce and William Faulkner, fellow modernists whose tradition I am moving forward. So without further adieu, my nose:

gh jk ko er km

Did you catch that? No? The tip only gets two letters at a time, making it a dense language indeed. Maybe my ear will be easier:

joijihfod ijfdopppiii

Funny how the words kind of correlate with the body part. For instance, the above has an audible quality to it. See if you can guess which body part is saying this:

OUER OFIDJ FIOO

No it's not THAT body part, pervert! It was my right eye. Didn't you get the hint, "see" ? Jesus Christ. Anyway, one more:

`1234567890-= qwertyuiop[ asdfghjkl;' zxcvbnm,./

That of course was my tongue, sliding over each row of keys.
If you were frustrated by that experience, fear not: I just finished a dictionary with extensive translation of my body language (self published e-book, $25.99)