Sunday, August 24, 2008


These Nabisco Entertainment Crackers, which I bought in bulk at Costco for $9.98 last May, have done little or no entertaining thus far. I bought the "collection" as they are called within the cracker "industry", anticipating several (3-5) civilized cocktail parties, or one massive uncivilized cocktail party. In the uncivilized version, which I'd much rather have, the crackers would go way beyond entertainment in the traditional sense, and therefore the entire box would likely be consumed in one wild night. For example, the smelt biscuit cracker, which is quite thin, could be used to cut lines of cocaine.

But much to my dismay, no entertaining, civilized or otherwise, has taken place. Instead these Entertainment Crackers have been entertaining themselves on the third level of my cupboard, along with the fondue maker. The fondue maker was bought three years ago, when fondue parties were all the rage. Now those parties are out of fashion, and there's no way I'd break it out until they come back.

I fear this is what's going to happen to my Entertainment Crackers, although Oprah tells me (or rather her magazine tells me) that crackers are a timeless party treat. Well that's great Oprah, but I fear my crackers will go stale very soon, and moldy soon after that. Can you alter physics? Maybe you can, with all your money, but I cannot. So this is my solution: I'm posting an invitation on Craig's List for a giant, nuclear party to clear out all these Entertainment Crackers, and perhaps the fondue maker. This is going to be epic - come if you are able, and do say hello. I'll be the one in on the couch, eating cracker crumbs off a prostitute's fake tits.

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